Hey mom, it’s been a while since I wrote again. I was caught up with work and friends, in a good way though. The last few weeks were amazing, and I felt alive again. Work is going well, and I am really getting fulfillment out of it. I went snowboarding for the first time in the mountains and can’t even describe the high I felt back then. I am also seeing a new therapist, and she is great. I’m always stoked to see her. I’m laughing a little louder and holding my friends tighter. Safe to say life has been treating me well.

However, these last days are feeling heavy, and I don’t know why. Maybe because I am getting my life back on track, so everything about you is starting to hit. Your birthday is also around the corner, April 18th. I’m not looking forward to it, to be honest. Sometimes it feels like I don’t know for what I’m doing this all for, and it’s really difficult to grab a hold of. Although I have so many reasons to be happy and things to be grateful for, I seem to appreciate it all a little less. Writing this is also hard because my mind feels shattered once again. I think everyone thinks I am doing quite well, although for me, it feels like I am just distracting myself and avoiding all the hurt and confrontations that you are not here anymore. The world is going at such a fast pace, and I can’t let the day go when you left us all. I don’t think there has been a day that I didn’t cry about it. It sucks because it’s mostly a moment where I am all alone, and I can’t seem to cry in front of people, not even my closest friends. To be fair, that is so sad. I think I am holding on to the fact that I need to keep that image that everyone has of me, the happy and energetic person, yet I am questioning that image.

I’ve been talking again to our family in the Philippines. I was avoiding it because it was, in a way, too confrontational. In my last blog post, I talked about booking a trip back, but even that, I keep delaying because it feels like ending a chapter. And that’s the one thing I’ve been running away from, the fact that you are not here anymore. I am well aware that this post isn’t as positive as the other ones. I guess I am not sugarcoating it anymore like I always did when you saw me. At this point, I just wish I could call you again or drop by like I used to. I miss laughing my ass off and eating the delicious food you made. I hope you’re doing good up there. I miss you.

I love you always
Forever your anaki, Dian