Hey, Mom. It’s been two months now since you left this place. Everything, even the little things, feels so different to me. I don’t see the world like I used to. All the problems I had or stuff I was worried about don’t seem to matter anymore. I realized that I was focusing on the wrong things in life. But what can you expect if I’m a 5-year-old toddler into adulthood? In the last few months, I have felt many emotions, including anger, frustration, sadness, but mostly regret. I heard you were always proud of my accomplishments, even though I never really talked or updated you about them. We were never the types that had deep talks, although I was always welcome to have a good laugh and banter. I don’t blame our relationship for it. It was me who couldn’t open up about certain stuff because I couldn’t let go of what happened in the past. But those things don’t really matter now, do they?

I’m starting this blog to open up more and in a way keep you updated about what’s going on in my life because that’s what you always deserve, to be a part of my life that you gave me. Today is International Women’s Day, and I want to dedicate it to you. The day I was born, father left us. You never really talked about it, and I didn’t want to open some old wounds, so I left it as it was. You always tried to take care of me the best way possible. When you met my stepdad in the Philippines, you saw a new beginning for us. You two got married and eventually moved to Belgium, even though it was illegal to bring me with you. You just did it because you couldn’t see a new life, a new beginning without me. Every day I’m grateful for the choices you made back then. They brought me to the place where I am now. I don’t know if I can call myself successful, but I’m pretty content where I am in life.

My life has always been crazy and in a fast pace, and I never really took a moment to appreciate it. Until the day everything stood still, the day you left. I’m still processing everything, but today, I want to thank you for everything you did for me. I never really realized how you loved me in your little way. For example, I can’t cook and don’t have the discipline to do it. You knew that, so every day, you were texting or calling me to make sure I had food, even though we don’t live in the same house anymore. You also made sure I arrived safely whenever I was traveling around and that I would always have a home to come back to. Whenever I was uncertain about something, you pushed me to do it anyway because, hey, momma didn’t raise no quitter. I could go on about many other things. Overall, thank you. Thank you so much for all the little and big things you did every day.

I started writing this with full excitement and a bit of fear, and it ended with tears in my eyes. I don’t think I will ever get used to the feeling of knowing that you are not here anymore. But I keep on going, like you would’ve wanted it. Every step and choice I make is with you in the back of my head. You will always be my motivation to do and be better.

I love you always
Forever your anaki, Dian